Wednesday, 17 October 2012

A Little Personal

This is a different post from my beauty regulars but it's something I think I need to voice. It's about my weight and about my body confidence.
Firstly I'm going to say that I've written this for me, it's an expression really, it's to help me and I don't appreciate any type of hate so if you have it, please click the X in the corner. I'm writing this because I know some people out there may feel the same. I'm not writing this for any kind of attention, any sympathy or pity. It's purely me just having my say on my blog.

So here we go... Ever since I can remember, I have struggled with my weight - when I was young, I was a healthy child but found at the age of 10 onwards my weight became an issue. I was a big kid, I was bullied and it's something that's stuck with me ever since. Being bullied about your weight is something that sticks with you forever, I've been self conscious about the way I look ever since.
Eventually I thought enough was enough, I invested in an exercise bike, lost a lot of weight (the healthy way) and found that my body was shrinking in size. Looking back now, I never realised how much weight I lost and how much better I looked. I found that my skin was clear, I was smaller in size and my health was obviously significantly better - but at the time, I never ever thought I was small and constantly felt like I had more to lose.

At the moment, right here and now, I am 100% unhappy with the way I look. I've put on a lot of weight and I do think it's contributing towards my unhappiness. My weight started to increase again when I found out my parents were separating - it was a hard time which I struggled with and found that this was the main trigger. My parents moved apart, I moved into a smaller house and had to get rid of my exercise bike. I had a tough time, there had been times where I'd go out and get drunk, end up at friends house parties upset and I was so down that I use to skip meals so my weight was up and down. But ever since that time, my weight has been increasing.

Another factor that contributed to my weight increase was taking the contraceptive pill which I've been on ever since the age of 19 which is just over a year. The drug in the contraceptive injection (which I've also had) and the pill doesn't agree with my body and does make my weight increase. I've found that during my time of taking this, my weight has increased and each time I've been weighed at the doctors during my consultation, she's told me I have gained weight. The drug in the contraceptive pill that I take makes me feel constantly hungry and never full so I snack more and eat more aswell as making my emotions sky high and rock bottom sometimes, often leaving me depressed - a horrible concoction for weight gain.

I never thought anything of my weight until recently and it took harsh reality and Topshop's mirror to show me exactly how I look now and how unhappy I am. I'm sure everyone can relate that they've put on weight and then only realised when they've gone to try on a top and it doesn't fit and today was a real slap in the face. So tonight when I came home, I felt pretty crappy, I tipped my contraceptive pill down the sink and tomorrow marks the start of a happier Beth, with some exercise, a healthy diet and no pills encouraging weight gain, and hopefully in the near future I can get back to the happy girl I used to be.
All that matters to me is feeling good about myself and being healthy, I don't want to live a life where my health is at risk or contributing to diseases when I'm older.

My goal is to lose a stone by christmas as my first goal and hopefully progress from there. I'm not going to set myself a drastic goal weight - I'm going to take it day by day and work towards small goals in order to reach an overall goal weight.

Sorry about the long personal post, this won't be a regular thing, I may update on twitter but this was just something I felt like I needed to do and thank you to those of you who read it!
xxx
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17 comments

  1. I know exactly how you feel, sometimes I end up in tears in changing rooms when something doesn't fit. It's really no help when shops have such extortionate differences in sizing, too. For example, I can fit into size 14 tops in Topshop yet sometimes if I try on a similar item in New Look two sizes bigger it wont fit.

    I'm also on the contraceptive pill (microgynon) and have been to my GP before to ask to have it changed and he just wouldn't. It's gets really upsetting when you're trying your best to lose the weight and it just feels as if it's piling on instead!

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    1. Sorry to butt in but I noticed you said your GP wouldn't let you change your pill, I'm a medical student at the moment and I've actually just covered this, your GP has to allow you to have control over your contraception so if they won't let you change it see another doctor because it is your right to find a method of contraception that works the best it can for you :) x

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    2. I know exactly how you feel. There's been times when I've been looking for something to wear for events and nights out and I'm just sat in the changing room crying because I can't find anything.

      I definitely don't think sizes of shops clothing helps at all, it's ridiculous and very unrealistic. I've not come across a store yet that's completely true to size.

      I do think the pill has contributed dramatically to my weight and also happiness, there's other ways out there to be safe. I'd rather put my happiness first and use other methods.
      Xx

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  2. I am so glad you wrote this post, I've been struggling with my weight since I entered my teens and it has slowly crept up, I know how you feel. I wish you the best with your new healthy lifestyle, sometimes it just takes one day to change your mind about it all! I'm slowly improving mine and this has really inspired me to keep going x

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    1. I'm glad this has helped you too. I've always yo-yo'd with my weight and now I've reached a point where I'm very unhappy so I want to get myself back into a happier state and feel good about myself.

      Thanks for your support
      xx

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  3. I know exactly how you feel. I've been overweight for my whole life and have now come to the point where I feel disgusted with myself. I hope we can both make it!

    Sandra from The Puzzle of Sandra's Life

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    1. It's really sad that we feel that way about ourselves and we shouldn't, I know we should appreciate us as a person and beauty is on the inside and all that but I'd just like to feel happy about the outside aswell as the inside.

      I hope you make it too, keep me posted
      xx

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  4. I know exactly how you feel when you say you're conscious of your weight! I always get comments from people saying how thin I am and the other day someone said I looked anorexic and it really bothered me! I know how awful it is to be body conscious. Only you can help you though so crack on with your diet and get healthy.eeeek good look!& chin up about your parents :) I went through a similar thing and it all gets better.lots of love xx

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    1. It's interesting to see it from another perspective, there are a lot of people in this same position and being called "anorexic" is just as hurtful as being called "fat". Stay confident, I know it's hard because it's also like someone kicking you when you're down.

      I hope you start to feel better.
      xx

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  5. Great post :) I am also quite thin, small and a vegetarian and get people asking me if I eat enough or that I need to eat meat to put meat on my body etc. I actually have a really good appetite but just don't put on weight and my mum is the same-someone once asked my mum if she actually eats!!! I was bullied too so know what that's like and you do start to feel like your not good enough (well I did anyway). Let me tell you now we are good enough and can look like how we want to not how others tell us we should look. I also think it's good you haven't set a drastic goal and are foing it gradually for you. So I just wanted to say goodluck to you and keep us updated :) x

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    1. I totally agree with you. Its how you want to look now how other people think you should look. I think that's what people get confused about. I just want to be happy in myself.
      I find that setting myself a little goal and achieving them will be easier to achieve a biggger goal :)
      Xx

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  6. I can totally sympathise with how you feel. I'm trying a new "short shorts diet" (I hate bikinis so I don't think I'm aiming for that) for next summer. I wish I had the motivation to really sit and do loads of exercise. Maybe an exercise bike...

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    1. My goal for next summer is to be able to wear a bikini and shorts and feel confident and happy in myself. I admire the confidence people have to walk around in a bikini and that's something I'm aiming for. I will be buying a bike and cross trainer next month.
      X

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  7. I feel you - I had my son a few years back and lost the weight quite quickly, but then my granny died and ever since then I've been piling on the pounds. I realised how much bigger I was when the photos came back from my friend's wedding and now I'm dieting and running in order to lose 2 stone by the end of the year (hopefully) because I'm just so unhappy with myself. Ugh! Hopefully we'll both reach our goals, good luck babe! Felicity x

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  8. Just found your blog kind of by accident but felt I had to comment on this post!
    I was nodding along with everything you said in this, I feel exactly the same. I can still remember crying in a changing room when I saw myself and couldn't do up a pair of trousers. My parents separated two months after my nanny died and I turned to food. We were living in hotels and other people's houses and for me, food was the only constant. That was about 3 years ago and I've had a bad relationship with my weight ever since. I think it's really hard to take the first step and accept you want things to change, so just doing that is amazing. I really admire you for posting this and I have every faith you'll achieve your goal. I'm similarly trying to lose a stone by Christmas so fingers crossed.

    Elle xxxx

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  9. This is the story of my life! I know exactly how you feel. Please keep us all updated, im hoping it inspires me to do something about my weight too :) xxx

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  10. i completely understand how it feels to be unhappy with how your body looks, i feel like everytime i look in a mirror i just hate what i see back! im quite pear shaped and i really hate. people always comment about how wide my hips are and it just makes me feel more insecure! I've managed to lose some weight healthily though, through a food and exercise plan my boyfriend wrote so if you ever need any help or advice, just send me a message :) xxx

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